My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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