If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
