I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
