am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
