Whatcha textin bout Willis?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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