Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
