someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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