He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
