Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
