i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
