True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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