Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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