Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
