soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
