My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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