I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
