the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
