This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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