There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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