Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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