On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
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thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
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I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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