I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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