nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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