Everything about him screamed your future.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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