I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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