I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
