then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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