The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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