That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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