i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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