He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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