I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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