Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
