He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
