i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
