i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
