only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
