apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
