im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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