I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
