I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
