Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
