Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
being pregnant is like rehab
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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