I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
