Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
