Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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