Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
