She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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