Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
