So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
