Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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