Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
