I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can you bring me the toilet please
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My vagina is very pro this idea
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