He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
