Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
