so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
