she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
